Addiction

Addiction is bad. It is addictive. Like being in love with the idea of love, addiction is a bad bet I would wish never happened to my offspring. What I know now has come with age and experience. Can I tell my kids 'don't do this and don't do that because this is what's gonna happen when you reach this age...'? What I can do is better my own life, and I am trying.

I think a lot of my life is determined by the quality of my relationships, which I feel can deteriorate (OK, fill in the blanks) when I don't pay much attention to them. Why? Because I am sucked in. Sucked in the past, sucked in the future: just sucked in. Damn it, I sucked in the past. I suck for writing this. I suck for thinking I ever sucked, because I do. I have wasted a lot of time doing things I never should have done. Forget the word 'should'. I want to do the things I want to do. I don't even want to write this. I want to build a house.

The sun shines and I love Vitamin D.

Smoking, sleeping, doing anything in excess, even checking out blogs, acting out scenes in your head; repeating past experiences and doing them differently: OMG what the heck, I need a block/delete in my brain. I want to clear my memory of added excess TODAY. I want to make a change. I want to be ME. I want to be happy. I would like my relationships to be joyous, fruitful and full of happiness. I would like the air to be full of spring freshness. I want my life to feel like I am bouncing on a trampoline the whole day long, and when I wake up, to remember what is good in my life and what I have to look forward to, and one day, to do the things I need to do in order to live the life that I can, want, need and deserve.