Peace at the cost of happiness
It’s been long enough, and I’m so glad to be able to have a break; to be able to walk through the spring air; breathe in real CO2 from real, green, beautiful trees, and cleanse my mind of all the troubles inflicted on my soul of late. A place can eat your soul before you realise it. Stepping off the plane, you realise immediately how different things are away: no more blazing hot sun, your tanned cheeks experience the pleasure of authentic cold air brushing against your face. You know where you stand, even if the future is cold. Why? Because you can trust the website source saying it’s going to be cold, so no surprises.
The first few days adjusting to another climate have been particularly shell-shocking, surprisingly so. It’s not like I haven’t been abroad when I’ve needed to, for a little breathing space. This time, it’s a little bit different. So many things have happened unexpectedly that, over the course of time, I forgot about what the real world is like outside. I forgot the real me and what normal people are like. I forgot smiling faces, good language. To witness etiquette is a luxury; fine dining is haute couture. There’s too many imbeciles around. Imbeciles of the highest degree.
I’ve tried so hard in my own little ways. Well, to say little would be modest. I’ve contributed with zilch return. I had hopes, which I see will never be materialised. I see my vision was all but an illusion. I was warned, and refused to listen.
Away, and out of the trap of the usual surroundings, I want to breathe, but I feel suffocated. Why? My every thought is being scanned, judged, killed by someone who probably doesn’t practise as they preach.
It hurts to say I am happier where I am now because it hurts more to say I have wasted my whole life thinking things could be different where I am now – well, where I am, but not where I am now, where things are truly different. I mean look at the place when you step off the plane.
Let’s toast to happiness, and freedom of mind, and peace to the soul.
3 comments:
I was really touched by reading this because however you got there and for whatever reason, youre in a place I used to relate to (http://www.bubblypinkchampagne.blogspot.com/2009/03/bringing-home-bubbly.html) maybe this will help.
I understand whats its like when so much spirit is taken out of you that the air thickens around you and becomes so much of a closed bubble. It manisfests as being a habit rather than a life, and the hurt whatever it is, eventually goes away because you've taken your first step of liberation and breathed..BubblyCheers to that :)
you've come a long way babe...from where you were two years back. at least u see light now, and hopefully life will turn better for you. and just say a silent prayer for all the wrongs in the life around you that you used to think were right, and fight vehemently for then. others had been that road before, and many could see you were wrong. and hope this change is more permanent, and deep, in the land of plastic.
PC - Thanks for the visit. I'm so happy to have found your blog. I read your post, and there were a couple of lines that really inspired me. I started to think - OK - let me not attach so much importance to the issue at hand, let me try and find another focus to lessen the 'felt' pain of the current situation. I did, and it made me change the way I felt within 24 hours. And within the next 48 hours of feeling more positive, I decided to make a BIG change - not to find a way to deal with the current situation and put up with it, but to GET ouf it!
It's amazing what benefits the blogging world can bring! I have you to thank for this particular change :) x
(and one other blogger lol)
Anon - hiya. I think you were the one who was a bit hostile in one of your comments to me once I saw the grass was greener on the other side, and felt somewhat victorious when you recognised this. Maybe you've suffered the same kind of pain as I have. You're right again, and amazingly observant to have read between the lines and understand my predicament.
With experience comes experience, and having this blog has really helped me form the opinions I have today.
About the wrongs I thought were right, they were not wrongs in my eyes then. But as you say, you have to have travelled that road to understand.
And I'm not going to complain about it all - of course there's a massive feeling of frustration but that's life. You live and you learn. And you get out of the kitchen if you can't stand the heat.
Thanks...and thanks for your good wishes. :)
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